When the boys were little, presents abounded beneath our Christmas tree. I loved picking out gifts, wrapping them and arranging them under the tree. This Christmas, the only present my 29 year old son, Jackson, wants is a strap for his vintage 1970’s Olympus film camera he has been using to capture black and white photos around LA.

My partner Rick wants Ascent chocolate protein powder, because he keeps forgetting to order it, and a frame for a collage he made at Esalen in Big Sur. It’s sparse this year if you ask me.

And me? I wanted a pair of kittens.

Shadow, my last cat, died a few years ago before the pandemic. I grieved for weeks and then some. Grief works in mysterious ways, touching the hidden places within you that store your past losses, bringing them all up again. Not only did I grieve my cat Shadow, I also grieved my mother’s death 30 years ago, the loss of other pets from years gone by, and my divorce 24 years ago. It’s all there, a Pandora’s Box of grief, just waiting to be opened with the next loss.

I swore I would never get another animal to love and lose. I thought watching cat videos on Instagram would ease my need for another pet. It didn’t work. Although they gave me a short term fix, my home felt empty. If you are an animal lover, your home is never the same without them.

“Casey, are you going to miss the joy and love, because you are afraid to lose it?” I asked myself. Loss is part of the package. With love comes loss. Every one of us is going to lose everything and everyone we love, or they will lose us. It’s part of the journey of being alive. Grief is the price we pay for love.

So I bought a cat carrier on Amazon and headed down to the Helen Woodward Animal Shelter in Encinitas and adopted two four-month old brothers, Max and Sage. Max is named after a wonderful puppy Rick had in college and Sage is my favorite herb which brings healing energy into your home.

My new kittens are a delight. I have not laughed this much in years. Why did I wait? There is nothing like a purring kitten on your lap. Don’t let fear hold you back. Enjoy every last drop of life, give all the love you have and know that nothing lasts forever.

This Christmas my presents are not under the tree, they are galloping through the house like baby horses.